Not because I don’t think there is always room for improvement or always another goal to strive towards. I love goal setting. New Year’s resolutions drive me crazy because they are often doomed for failure.  It’s like we go to bed on New Year’s Eve expecting to wake up entirely different people, and then are shocked and disappointed when we can maintain the shift.  We make sweeping commitments like “I will go to the gym every day before work” when we’ve never gone before, or “I will stop eating food that’s bad for me” when your diet consists of only take-out etc, etc

And what happens when we don’t maintain our resolutions or commitments to ourselves? Negative self talk.  “I’m such a quitter”, “Why am I so LAZY!?!?”, “I have NO follow through” or “See I knew I wouldn’t do it” are ones I often hear.

But the problem doesn’t lie in the resolutions or in the person making them; the problem lies in the execution. Sheer will-power alone isn’t enough.  Without real planning we often start off great and come February its back to the same old thing.

Real change takes preparation, takes planning and acknowledging that we will probably slip up and then we get back up and start over again.

A big issue with most change we attempt is we’re often unrealistic in what we can accomplish in given period of time so we are actually setting ourselves up to fail.  So why not do it differently this year?

STEP 1:  Pick one goal.  

That’s right . . . ONE.  It’s enough I swear.  Everything we do in life is connected and making real, lasting change in one area of life, leads to shifts in others.  Taking on too much leads to feeling overwhelmed and can often be self-defeating.

STEP 2: Make sure your goal is SPECIFIC.

This means instead of saying “I will eat better”, saying “I will eat at least one fruit and one vegetable per day”.  The more specific the better because then you really know what you are working towards.

STEP 3: Make sure your goal is MEASURABLE.

Again this is a way to track how you are doing and if your need to adjust anything to accomplish your goal.  Instead of “I will go to the gym more” or for most “I will start going to the gym” look at a real number like “I will go to the gym 2 times per week”.  This leads us to the next step.

STEP 4:  Make sure your goal is ACHIEVABLE.

If you decide you are going to start eating dinners at home instead of dining out, but your work schedule doesn’t allow you to be home in the evenings – it is unlikely you are going to achieve this goal without doing some major shifting in other areas.  Again, if you are prepared to make those changes – GREAT!  If you are not in a position to do so maybe adjusting the goal to something more achievable, in this case maybe making home cooked meals and bringing them to the office is more likely to bring success.

STEP 5: Make sure your goal is REALISTIC.

Again going back to the gym example, if you have not been going to the gym at all and you now say you are going to go every day??  I’ll save you the time – No you’re not.  Now I do not doubt your will power – I doubt your time management. Start small and work your way up.  By saying twice per week you are allowing your body to adjust and it is also giving you a sense of how much time you are truly going to have to commit. Going to the gym everyday means at least one hr per day or 7 hours per week that were being spent elsewhere.  With any change, other aspects of your life are going to have to shift in order for you to fit in a new activity consistently.

STEP 6: Make sure your goal is TIMES BASED.

Again by putting some type of time frame to your goal it helps you stay on track.  Examples could be “every day I will sit quietly for 30 minutes” or “Every month I will take one weekend and turn off my phone” or “every year I will take a 2 week vacation with my family” etc.  Knowing your time frame helps you manage your time and keep track of how you are doing.

If your goals contain the following elements: SPECIFIC, MEASURABLE, ACHIEVABLE, REALISTIC & TIME BASED, otherwise known as SMART goals, you are much more likely to find lasting change.  And the more we stick to our commitments to ourselves, the better we feel and the more we accomplish.  It’s a win-win for you and those lucky enough to know you.

I wish you all the best for what this year has in store. It can be a great one.

Our need to support others at the expense of ourselves is easy trap to fall into.  We tell ourselves that we do it because we like to feel helpful, we like to take care of those we love, and maybe not so consciously – we know people like people who do what they want.  We sometimes forget that always saying yes to others can sometimes mean we are actually saying no to ourselves.  Supporting others because we truly want to helps us build connection and community, but continually sacrificing our own needs for those around us may mean we have fallen into the virtue trap. Take a few minutes to complete the below quiz to see if I could be talking about you.

The Virtue-Trap Quiz

1. The biggest lack in my life is:

2. The greatest joy in my life is:

3. My largest time commitment is:

4. As I play more, I work:

5. I feel guilty that I am:

6. I worry that:

7. If my dreams come true, my family/friends will:

8. I sabotage myself so people will:

9. If I let myself feel it, I’m angry that I:

10. One reason I get sad sometimes is:

Now take a look at your answers.

• Is there anything there that surprises you?
• Is there a balance or are you living your life only for others?
• Are you only doing things you feel like you have to do, or are you doing things that you want to do for yourself and your loved ones?

Have you fallen into the virtue trap?  If so and you would like some support climbing out, give me a call.  I look forward to helping you create balance and allowing you the space learn how to say yes to yourself again.

Virtue Trap Quiz taken from “The Artist’s Way” – Julia Cameron

Then, when the farmer’s son was attempting to tame one of the wild horses, he fell off its back and broke his leg. Everyone thought this very bad luck. Not the farmer, whose only reaction was, “Bad luck? Good luck? Who knows?”

Some weeks later, the army marched into the village and conscripted every able-bodied youth they found there. When they saw the farmer’s son with his broken leg, they let him off. Now was that good luck or bad luck?

Who knows?

The truth is “good” and “bad” are just judgment calls we make up in our minds. The truth is that there are many situations in our lives that we can never really know the “truth”. We can always choose what we want to believe, because really there is no good, there is no bad – there is only how we choose to see it.

How are we to know that we may have missed getting into a car accident because we hit every red light on the way to work? or that the person who broke our heart taught us exactly what we will need to know to be enormously happy with our next love?  In those moments when life seems to be throwing its worst at us, sometimes it is less about truth and more about choice.

So next time it seems like you are on a run of bad luck, try to stay out of judgment.  Down the road the things you would call bad luck today, could become the very same things you are grateful for tomorrow.

http://www.ted.com/talks/sarah_kay_if_i_should_have_a_daughter.html

About this talk

“If I should have a daughter, instead of Mom, she’s gonna call me Point B … ” began spoken word poet Sarah Kay, in a talk that inspired two standing ovations at TED2011. She tells the story of her metamorphosis — from a wide-eyed teenager soaking in verse at New York’s Bowery Poetry Club to a teacher connecting kids with the power of self-expression through Project V.O.I.C.E. — and gives two breathtaking performances of “B” and “Hiroshima.

Accountability means it’s all up to me.  It means that I have no one else to blame.  It means that I am truly responsible for my words, my thoughts, my actions and beliefs.  Don’t get me wrong – when things are working out – I am more than happy to claim it is all due to my careful and meticulous planning, and my steadfast follow- through.

But that is much harder to do when thing don’t go the way I hoped.  In times like that, it’s much easier to throw my hands up in the air and say, “There is nothing I can do about it.  It is all out of my control and I am at the fate of the universe.  I am just a victim of my circumstances”. Its almost like there is some comfort in the helplessness, because again, I’m not accountable.  It had nothing to do with my choices and everything to do with the will of the world.  And that can be easier than admitting I played a part in how things turned out.  Sometimes I hate knowing when life throws things at us that we could never have anticipated; we still are accountable for how we respond.

I wonder what would happen if we were all able to claim our failures as much as we claim our successes? If we were able to see the hand we played in becoming the people we are today.  If we were able to understand – as adults – how yesterday’s choices contribute to life today.  I wonder if we would be more careful, or more exuberant?  I wonder if we would learn to trust ourselves and the world around us more, or less? What would be different if we reminded ourselves each and everyday that we have a hand all that comes to our lives, and we have the power to change things too.  Maybe in recognizing our power, accountability wouldn’t look so bad after all.

If you find that you have been asking yourself this question, you may benefit from some exercises to help inject some energy into your relationship. Dr. Robert Epstein, a love researcher from Harvard University recommends the following exercises that couples can do together to help rebuild and recapture the love they once shared.

1.  Two as One. Embracing each other gently, begin to sense your partner’s breathing and gradually try to synchronize your breathing with his or hers. After a few minutes, you might feel that the two of you have merged.

2.  Soul Gazing. Standing or sitting (about two feet away from each other), look deeply into each other’s eyes, trying to look into the very core of your beings. Do this for about two minutes and then talk about what you saw.

3.  Monkey Love. Standing or sitting (fairly near each other), start moving your hands, arms and legs any way you like-but in a fashion that perfectly imitates your partner. This is fun but also challenging. You will both feel as if you are moving voluntarily, but your actions are also linked to those of your partner.

4.  Falling in Love. This is a trust exercise, one of many that increase mutual feelings of vulnerability. From a standing position, simply let yourself fall backward into the arms of your partner.  Then trade places. Repeat several times and then talk about your feelings. Strangers who do this exercise sometimes feel connected to each other for years.

5. Secret Swap. Write down a deep secret and have your partner do the same. Then trade papers and talk about what you read. You can continue this process until you have run out of secrets. Better yet, save some of your secrets for another day.

6. Mind-Reading Game. Write down a thought that you want to convey to your partner. Then spend a few minutes wordlessly trying to broadcast that thought to him or her, as he or she tries to guess what it is. If he or she cannot guess, reveal what you were thinking. Then switch roles.

7.  Let Me Inside.  Stand about four feet away from each other and focus on each other. Every 10 seconds or so move a bit closer until, after several shifts, you are well inside each other’s personal space (the boundary is about 18 inches). Get as close as you can without touching.

8.  Love Aura. Place the palm of your hand as close as possible to your partner’s palm without actually touching. Do this for several minutes, during which you will feel not only heat but also, sometimes, eerie kinds of sparks.

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon…
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

www.taboosexshow.com

It sounds so simple yet just focusing on our breathing can be incredibly difficult.  Think about it . . . with so many distractions – when was the last time that you stopped and noticed your breath? (besides the last time you laughed while chewing and choked on your food – it’s ok we all do it).  It seems that only in times when we are actually incapable of breathing do we really remember how important it is to us. Breathing is so automatic we rarely think about the incredible capacity that our bodies have to keep us alive – all without us even having to pay attention. It’s kind of amazing really.

Noticing our breath can also be an incredible way to center us in hectic times.  And since the holiday season is now upon us, it seems like the perfect time to take a moment to pay attention to our breath – because sometimes that is all we can do.  We may not be able to change our families, or the screaming person we are standing next to in line as we try to get that one last gift or the cars blocking our path on our way to work – but we can breath – and at least that can make the chaos a little more bearable.

It doesn’t take a lot of time.  You don’t need any equipment.  You don’t even need to be alone.  All you need is the intention to focus on your breathing.

Just start by noticing your body bringing air through your nose.  Notice how it feels as air passes down your throat.  Allow yourself to notice your lungs expanding. Try breathing in until you can’t breath in anymore. Notice how full your chest feels. Pay attention as you slowly begin to exhale through your mouth.  Feel the air as it leaves your lips and repeat.  Try to let everything else fall away until your breath is the only thing on your mind (Probably best to pull over for a minute if you’re driving – safety first).

Some people find it helpful to add counting to their breathing as a way to keep focused.  If that works better for you try breathing in to the count of five, holding your breath to the count of five, and then slowly exhaling to the count of five.  Make sure to give yourself a few normal breaths and then go again.

When we are grounded and centered we are able to make better choices and not get caught up in the holiday chaos.  Then instead of just pulling our hair out we are able to spend more of our energy happily sharing the holidays with friends and family, which is my wish for you.

Peace and light to you and your loved ones this holiday season,

Constance